Twelve Kisses

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One simple kiss can have a lot of meaning. It can make you nervous, it can excite you, disappoint you, or anger you. In short, here’s a paragraph for every guy that I’ve ever kissed.

My first kiss. I was in junior high. There was a guy that I’d known since early elementary school, and honestly the only thing that really sticks out in my memory about this guy is that he looked, sounded, and acted like Napoleon Dynamite. he was a couple years older than me and he liked me for some reason. He always sat next to me on the bus and walked me home. He even bought a cute necklace for me for Christmas, the first gift that a guy had ever given me. I was smitten like a kitten, until he kissed me. I met him at the elementary school playground and we were walking towards the swings or something. He just grabbed me and kissed me. After that kiss, he tried to make out with me, which was pretty much the most disgusting thing I’d ever encountered. He had his mouth open with his tongue sticking out. He had braces, which may have contributed to all the saliva. All I can say is that I never kissed him again.

Fast forward about a year and I got my first actual boyfriend. I was his first kiss. I remember that his lips were always really soft and he changed my mind about thinking that kissing was nasty. We never really made out, frankly because neither of us knew how. We were constantly cuddling and holding hands and I kissed him a lot, and I went back to kissing him in between boyfriends for a while. He smelled nice.

This is a man that I dated for five years, all the way through high school and part of my first year of college. I was his first kiss, and we were each other’s first time for a lot of things. He’s the first guy that I enjoyed making out with, and we made out A LOT. We also did a lot of other things a lot, experimenting in our youthful curiosity. He was my first love, and he absolutely meant the world to me for a long time. We eventually grew apart after we ended up going to different colleges, but I will forever be thankful for the experience of being with him.

This guy represents the true loss of my innocence. I met this guy in a history class, and we were in the same study group. He knew me during my five-year long relationship, and still knows me now. I’ve sexted with him more than I care to admit (the only guy I have ever or will ever do that with) but I’ve only kissed him one time. He was dropping me off and it was just a tiny little kiss. I was totally head-over-heels for this guy, but unfortunately he’s just not a “boyfriend type”.

I’ve known this guy since he moved here in the fourth grade. He was always one of my best friends, and always had little crushes on me as we were growing up. I also had it bad for him. For about a year we went through little phases of getting really close to each other, making out, kissing, and almost having sex (never got that far though). He was unknowingly fighting with his sexuality, and was never quite ready to admit it (he has since come out publicly and is in a very happy relationship). We went through these cycles of getting drunk together, confessing our love for each other, and having him pull away from me. It was a constant let-down, and that’s when I realized that you actually can have your heart broken even if you aren’t technically in love with someone. One night I gave him an ultimatum. I told him that this time would be different, and that if he said he was going to be with me, he was going to do it. He promised he wouldn’t back away and change his mind this time, but he did. And that was when the kissing stopped there, and nothing has been the same between us since that break up.

I went to hang out at this guy’s house with some of his friends and my best friend. We had pizza and we were hanging out. I think my best friend was suppose to be set up with one of the guy’s there, but that didn’t happen. We decided to watch a movie, The Nightmare Before Christmas, to be exact. I sat on the couch next to this guy. He was bold, and he just flung his charming arm around me and next thing I know I’m sitting on his lap and making out with him instead of watching the movie. He put his hand on my thigh, which led to his hand being elsewhere if you know what I mean. I got nervous and my friend was upset with me due to my behavior. We ended up leaving and I never hung out with that guy again.

My friend introduced me to this cute, charming guy who was really good at impressions and he was funny. I started hanging out with him a lot, one thing led to another and I spent the night at his house with him after a movie night. By this time I was done being the nervous, inexperienced, self-conscious one. I knew that I was going to have sex with him, it was just a matter of when. I took it slow with him and we kissed a lot. He lost his virginity to me. He turned out to be a huge ass hole and was going behind my back to get with my best friend. He has been forgiven, but it took quite a while. He’s still funny and charming, just not to me anymore.

I used to find this guy attractive, in a teddy bear kind of way. He’s a nice guy that’s full of compliments. He wooed me into hanging out with him a few times, cuddling on his couch watching TV. One day he hugged me as I left his house to walk back to campus, and I let him kiss me. I blew him off every time he asked me to hang out after that.

This was the shittiest relationship I’ve had so far, mainly because I didn’t like him. After one month of dating he gave me a key to his place and I froze. I dunkenly asked him to be my boyfriend at a party during spring break, and he obliged. When I dumped him after three months of dating, I felt like I was divorcing him or something.

One of the sweetest men that I will ever meet, and I hurt him. We met in high school and we randomly started talking on Facebook one day, and never stopped. He was catholic, waiting until marriage. He was so sweet and sincere. He went off to boot camp and wrote me a letter at least three times a week while he was gone, and I only sent him one. I didn’t enjoy kissing him, because his lips were dry, but I enjoyed the simplicity of his company, being around someone who didn’t want me for sex.

Current boyfriend. He came to visit me during the summer. We walked around downtown on the levee and then sat on a bench. His kiss was hard and gentle at the same time, and I still can’t get enough of it. We started dating a couple months later when he came back to town for the next semester.

One summer night i went to a beach party. I ran into a guy that I went to preschool with, and he remembered. A tall, handsome, baby faced guy with sandy blonde hair. I let him lead me on, and walked down the beach with him. He sat down and started making out. He tried to go further, and I said no. “Come on, my girlfriend will never know, she’s not here.” And in that moment I hated myself for being the other woman. I left him sitting there at the end of the beach because he was a jerk.

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Leroy and Elizabeth

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I hadn’t seen him in months and when I walked into that Starbucks and saw him I just wanted to walk right up and kiss him. He seemed taller than he was before when he hugged me, and his hair had grown out so his cowlick wasn’t sticking up. I had no idea what to order because I never drink fancy coffee, so we joked about what kind of blended thing I should ask for and instantly started laughing with each other like kids. For some reason the subject of our conversation turned to running away, like he had been reading my mind and knew exactly what I needed to talk about, just like he always does. I had been considering running away for quite a while. I had calculated how much money I’d need, where I would go, what I would take with me, and how I would get it all packed into my tiny car and go in one afternoon while my boyfriend was at work. I hadn’t been this happy in months. Seeing his face, having him so close to me made me so happy. He wasn’t just talking about ME running away, he was talking about WE running away.

I would have ran away with that boy in a half of a heart beat. 

We had this cute little plan going about moving to Seattle, going by our middle names, him becoming a huge theater star and me starting my own bakery and both of us just being happy for once, something both of us truly were missing.

All of those times that we had been so close to being together, all of the chances that I’d given to him, but he’s always pulled back and left me, leaving my heart scorched and my mind numb. Well, regardless of my knowledge, I couldn’t help but wish that this time would be different, that i wouldn’t get burned, but I would. Every ounce of me was wishing that this time he would push forward through his wall instead of building it higher, put away the insecurities and fear and just be happy together.

The text a few minutes after we parted, “It was nice to see you today.” I think we both needed an escape from our realities.

The rose in the thorn bush is hard for me to find in this story. This encounter was quite a few months ago, and the best thing that has happened in this situation is that I no longer allow this friend of mine to burn me. We are now what we always were meant to be, absolute best friends and nothing more. I will love this man forever, but only for the fun times that we have shared together and the experiences he has given me.  Now that we both have that understanding about our relationship, our friendship has become much stronger. There are still thorns here, like how we hardly ever see each other anymore because we tried to date and things went down hill from there. But we’ve been the best of friends for ten years and he is always there for me when I need him and I know that we will remain that way. There will be many more stories that include him in it, as he has been with me through so many fun adventures. So I guess the moral of the story is that even if you have a falling out with someone, or several, you should never give up on someone who means so much to you.